Mike ErvinIf I become a hoarder, it won’t be my damn fault. You can blame it on sick children.

The little runts pulled a fast one on me by moving from their raggedy old hospital into a shiny new one. And never did anyone stop for one minute to consider how this move would affect me. Because across the street from the old children’s hospital was a resale shop called White Elephant. All proceeds benefitted the children. So whenever I needed to dump stuff like old faded clothes, dilapidated books or cassette tapes, I could turn it into an altruistic exercise. All I had to do was dump it all at the White Elephant and in return I received a warm feeling of peace and satisfaction for helping sick children as well as an in-kind tax deduction. Pretty sweet, eh?

So it was a win/win/win situation for me. But the White Elephant is closed now. And the new children’s hospital is supported by a bunch of highfalutin endowments and stuff. They don’t need nickel-and-dime philanthropists like me anymore. So I’m left out in the cold, with no place to dump my crap.

I’m sure as hell not giving my crap to Goodwill. They’re not worthy of it. Oh sure, they hire a lot of cripples, but it seems they also pay a lot of them crap wages. There’s this provision in the Fair Labor Standards Act, which was passed in the 1930s, that allows businesses to pay certain cripples