#197158 - 01/24/11 08:20 AM
Advice needed, please
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Miss Tea
Junior Member
Registered: 01/24/11
Posts: 2
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Hello all,
I have been following posts and comments here for some time...and have found perhaps a safe place to ask for some advice. I have been communicating (electronically) for over 6 months with an absolutely wonderful man with SCI. A quad for over 12 years, he has created a very comfortable life rich with family and friends. (We have vetted each other for security and safety purposes to ensure each is who we say we are.) As you can guess, I am falling in love with him. "Mike" is affectionate at times, while at other times indicates he does not want a relationship, but if he changes his mind he will tell me. We are making arrangements to see each other later this year, and he is quite happy about this. I accept the difficulties of the quad life: catheters, bowel programs, the thinness, medical complications, etc. How do I help him understand that I understand this aspect of his life and love him just the same. We talk for hours and confide safely, so we know how to communicate. He is very outgoing and has had a previous relationship in which he was very sexual. She left him for his best friend. Sorry this is so long, but am I just making myself crazy by falling in love with a man who seems to be on the fence so to speak about our relationship??? Thanks for any advice - Miss Tea
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#197184 - 01/24/11 04:10 PM
Re: Advice needed, please
[Re: Miss Tea]
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4wheeler
Member
Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 414
Loc: Riverside Co.,CA
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Just keep doing what you are doing.Talk to him as a person and the person he is on the inside.He was in a relationship before that did go down hill for him but since he is talking to you it does show he is looking to give "love" another try.
Others here could help a little more.
_________________________
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#197186 - 01/24/11 04:30 PM
Re: Advice needed, please
[Re: Miss Tea]
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flicka
Member
Registered: 04/06/00
Posts: 24616
Loc: SLO County, CA - 66.122.77.142
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How do I help him understand that I understand this aspect of his life and love him just the same. We talk for hours and confide safely, so we know how to communicate.
After reading these two sentences, I think you are worried about something that isn't there. I'm guessing he is not uncomfortable about "catheters, bowel programs, the thinness, medical complications, etc" and figures its all in the same category as your monthly cycle, cramps, bloating, etc. If he is interested in a long term relationship with you, he'll let you know.
_________________________
"A lot of things were acceptable--until we stopped accepting it." -- Al Sharpton '12
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#197410 - 02/01/11 05:38 PM
Re: Advice needed, please
[Re: flicka]
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Miss Tea
Junior Member
Registered: 01/24/11
Posts: 2
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Dear flicka and 4wheeler,
Thank you so much for your suggestions. How kind you both are for responding. I appreciate your thoughts on how to cope with my relationship. "Mike" and I communicate nearly every day, and sometimes multiple times during the day. Our conversations have started to become warm and intimate,to my surprise. After I considered your suggestions, I backed off somewhat with Mike. I did not initiate any contact but let him contact me. To my surprise, Mike has consistently been the first one to start our electronic conversations,to my delight. We are taking it slow (even though I'm about to explode and he knows it). Thank you again for your responses! You are great for sharing!
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#197554 - 02/10/11 12:11 PM
Re: Advice needed, please
[Re: Miss Tea]
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luanne55
Junior Member
Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 3
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ARE YOU NUTS!!!??? Despite your "vetting" you know nothing about this person. He may seem on the fence because he wouldn't want to get involved with the kind of pathetic, desperate, naive loser you seem to be. There aren't enough words. Unbelievable.
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#197556 - 02/10/11 01:46 PM
Re: Advice needed, please
[Re: luanne55]
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MrsDrublic
Member
Registered: 04/03/09
Posts: 926
Loc: los angeles ish
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ARE YOU NUTS!!!??? Despite your "vetting" you know nothing about this person. He may seem on the fence because he wouldn't want to get involved with the kind of pathetic, desperate, naive loser you seem to be. There aren't enough words. Unbelievable.
wow are we jealous? bitter much? u need to tuck that sh*t in.. for real. who are u to call another person pathetic for wanting to be happy? u say they dont know the person, hmmm do YOU know the person u jus called names? oh no no u dont. how dare YOU, be such a tool!
further more i met my FIANCE ONLINE, and we're getting married NEXT MONTH after being together long distance over TWO YEARS.. hmmm maybe u should go have a nice long look in the mirror before u go round judging other ppl.
how rude!
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#199332 - 06/27/11 10:51 PM
Re: Advice needed, please
[Re: MrsDrublic]
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ray.alded
Junior Member
Registered: 06/27/11
Posts: 5
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I know I could be on the fence of a relationship with my previous gf, at least that was how she perceived it. I wouldn't respond to her texts right away, I'd wait to call her, I would be a little hesitant about going out with her. After my heart was broken, I find it really hard to entertain the thought of being with another in fear that it I can be hurt again. So, I will probably give my heart away a little bit at a time and not rush into things. If this is really driving you crazy, you might just want to say as bluntly as possible that you really really like this guy and want to be his girlfriend, the whole deal. As much as girls want guys to read their minds, they cannot so being as straightforward about your feelings as possible is probably also a good idea. Perhaps ask him in that same discussion what is keeping him from being in a relationship with you. Indeed, it seems a good idea to say that you need to know if this is going anywhere because it's kind of making you crazy.
After you are straightforward with him, be prepared for him to be straightforward with you. This could mean rejection, but at least he is not stringing you along and you aren't in denial about the whole thing. This could also mean he reveals to you some of his insecurities about getting into something. Be as empathetic as possible.
Good luck with him!
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