#188663 - 07/07/10 07:24 AM
User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
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ævory
Member
Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 9657
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User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis: Sex after spinal cord injury
by Tre Trefethen on July 29, 2005
Published under:disability gender Making Sex Pleasurable masculinity masturbation men paralysis pleasure Sex and Disability Read
I’ve been a paraplegic for eleven years and I’m also a professional writer, so you would think writing about disability would come easily for me. It doesn’t. Most of my writing is humorous, and it’s difficult for me to use that light touch about disability issues without appearing to be in denial. Full disclosure then: I have no sensation below my ribs, and as you can no doubt imagine, sexually, there’s a lot about that that really sucks.
At the hospital where I did my rehab for spinal cord injury (SCI), all they gave me to help with sexual issues was a printout of instructions on how to masturbate, a sort of user’s manual for the paralyzed penis: “Put water based lubricant in the palm of your right hand. Grasp the shaft of your penis and stroke it in ascending and descending movements.” At the bottom of the page, like a warning on a Styrofoam coffee cup, it said, “CAUTION: Do not grip too tightly.”
“And remember,” a nurse told me, “the brain is the largest sex organ.” This advice really pissed me off with its do-as-I-say, not-as-I-do ease. But she was right in the sense that, for a long time, the idea of sex fucked with my mind.
My mother was most worried about me being single with no children. At her request I got a visit from a urologist who told me that he had no experience with spinal cord injury, but he had read in an article that frozen sperm was not as reliable as fresh sperm to impregnate a woman. If I ever wanted kids, then, getting that fresh sample would be my first problem. Thanks to the literature, I had a firm grip on how to handle my penis; coaxing sperm from it proved more difficult.
Initially, I was sure my sexual sensation would come back, and masturbation gave me pleasurable spasms in my stomach. But I found after hours of exertion that all there was to show for the effort were imprints of my fingers on my penis and frustration. I couldn’t orgasm, I couldn’t ejaculate, and like most men with spinal cord injury, I couldn’t even maintain an erection. The whole “self love” thing was like shaking a rubber chicken by the neck. Someone else’s rubber chicken.
My doctor prescribed Papaverine for the erectile dysfunction, a drug you inject into the corpus cavernosum with an insulin syringe. It didn’t help me ejaculate or orgasm, but it gave me an erection right away that lasted for hours. And hours and hours. It was as if my penis had an exoskeleton.
The odd thing about Papaverine was that the head of my penis didn’t swell in tune with the remainder of my erection. My member ended up looking like a scale sculpture of an acorn glued to the end of a baseball bat. This was another blow to my ego. I already had to deal with the possibility of embarrassment from my uncontrollable bladder or my errant G.I. tract. Now I had a conical [censored].
But I was lucky enough to be injured at the beginning of a wave of progress for living with spinal cord injury, and after a couple of years of shooting up Papaverine, I discovered that Viagra gave me an erection that appeared natural. I still couldn’t ejaculate, but at least my penis was dependable. I didn’t have to get out my works before sex and I was no longer in danger of getting track marks on my organ.
The problem with Viagra for me, besides headaches and concerns about long term side effects, is that it takes up to two hours to work, which rules out spontaneity. I have to make a judgment call about whether an erection will be useful to have in a few hours. Since I’ve always been an optimist, this means that I end up swallowing a lot of unneeded pills and then sleeping on my back.
My now sturdy organ doesn’t get me any closer to my own enjoyment, though, and coping with the changes in my sex life is an on-going process. That doesn’t mean that sex has less value for me. Most people assume this is the case because they focus on what I’ve lost and not on what I still have. But I look at sex as pleasure across a continuum that involves all the experiences of making love: touch on parts of my body that have sensation, touch I give to my partner, the smell, the taste, vision. After I got over the tragedy of my losses, I found that my hospital nurse was right, sexual enjoyment is what's in your mind. The sex of penile need is primarily selfish, and since I have no sensation there, my sexual enjoyment has changed to shared sensations, even into a vicarious form of pleasure where my partner’s enjoyment is something I experience with her.
This doesn’t mean I think I am better off without orgasms or that I’m a better lover because of it. I remember what it is like to climax and many times my longing for that feeling is almost a physical pain. But there is more to sex than genital friction. It is difficult to explain this to the general public, and that’s why we in the SCI community don’t talk about sexuality and paralysis very often.
Our silence on the issue has created a shortage of research and literature specifically for spinal cord injury. Even now, when anything is written about disability and sex, we are grouped together with people who have every other type of “disability,” from MS to Down’s Syndrome. These books are generally irrelevant to SCI and I have always found them to be useless in coping with my situation.
One idea that gets me past that futility is something I heard about shortly after my hospital stay. Technically it is called a “paraorgasm” or “phantom orgasm,” where a person fantasizes an orgasm into being by mentally intensifying an existing sensation from one feeling region of their body and imagining it to occur in their genitals. I have read about other people with SCI being able to have these mental orgasms, but I have never met anyone who has had one. Most people in spinal cord injury circles have heard of them, and among the people I know it is kind of like a poltergeist sighting, you either believe in them or you don’t.
As I said, I’m an optimist about most things, so I’m sure it can happen. It’s just a matter of concentration and relaxation, like achieving nirvana but a little more difficult. I’ve tried several nontraditional ways of achieving this elusive orgasmic enlightenment, from hypnosis and visualization to dabbling with tantric sex practices. But this is not a full-time venture. Most of the time, I just enjoy sex for what it is. I am not hoping for more. True, it doesn’t reach the heights of what sex was for me; there is the build up, the enjoyment, but no denouement. Every new woman asks me, “What can I do to make you feel good?” The answer is that I don’t know; I am enjoying what sex is now. But if you believe in ghosts … "
Tre Trefethen is a freelance writer in the Bay Area who has examined the divisions of sexuality in science, sports, and politics. He has also written on subjects ranging from stem cell research to tandem sky diving, and he is currently working on a book about the union movement.
http://nsrc.sfsu.edu/article/users_guide_paralyzed_penis_sex_after_spinal_cord_injury
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#188665 - 07/07/10 09:25 AM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: ævory]
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corlorde
Member
Registered: 04/24/01
Posts: 9246
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As I said, I’m an optimist about most things, so I’m sure it can happen. It’s just a matter of concentration and relaxation, like achieving nirvana but a little more difficult.
Keep searching, you'll find it.
Nice article avory, thanks.
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#188709 - 07/07/10 06:00 PM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: corlorde]
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soda
Member
Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 4726
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i like his writing style.
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 67.87.81.12
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#188838 - 07/10/10 05:26 AM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: soda]
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ævory
Member
Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 9657
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I like how he writes!
Corey, parts of his message say exactly what your own in this forum reads...there for all walks of life To read, so more like thank you for having balls enough to just Say it.
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#188925 - 07/12/10 09:43 AM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: ævory]
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corlorde
Member
Registered: 04/24/01
Posts: 9246
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I like how he writes!
Corey, parts of his message say exactly what your own in this forum reads...there for all walks of life To read, so more like thank you for having balls enough to just Say it.
Thanks avory.
I don't know why but it has me thinking about when I was in the ICU.
When I was in the ICU, I lifted the sheet and looked at a catheter that was going into my penis. I knew then, life as I knew it was over... I slept at night with my hands crossed upon my chest because I could not stand the feeling of reaching down below my point of injury. Interesting.
I don't know why I say this other than to say, I have come a long way..
I used to hate not feeling below my point of injury...now? Hey, whatever.
I sleep, to this day, with my hands crossed on my chest; and I am way beyond the "no feeling" thing.
Be seeing you,
~Corey
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#189090 - 07/14/10 08:21 AM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: corlorde]
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ævory
Member
Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 9657
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Maybe, just a thought, you crossed your arms in the beginning for the shear comfort or it. My grandma, and this is strange, would interlock her fingers like in prayer and have them over her chest each and every night she slept. I'm positive that when she died in her sleep that it is how she was found. I remember sleeping with her when I was a child and next door (like, I could probably touch the next house over's open window if I stretched my arm enough) the young guys were playing their hard rock music really loud and she was just a snorin' next to me....lol, I thought it funny that she slept that way.
I think it totally normal to feel repulsed by our bodies to begin with...if you've ever experienced a tramatic life- changing injury. I remember, too, corey, that I felt like my body was not my own. It was alien to me. But I also felt like I was living in an alien, bazarre world so...maybe those thoughts were just the connection I needed to feel/make in order to live to today --the transition--...in which, I feel like I conquer my own world..and life is good and I'm a part of it in the same ways that everyone else is; in fact, for me...it's great. Hope that all is good your way, corey.
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#189231 - 07/15/10 08:42 AM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: ævory]
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corlorde
Member
Registered: 04/24/01
Posts: 9246
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I think it totally normal to feel repulsed by our bodies to begin with...if you've ever experienced a tramatic life- changing injury. I remember, too, corey, that I felt like my body was not my own.
Hi avory, I definitely agree.
It was alien to me. But I also felt like I was living in an alien, bazarre world so...maybe those thoughts were just the connection I needed to feel/make in order to live to today --the transition--...in which, I feel like I conquer my own world..and life is good and I'm a part of it in the same ways that everyone else is; in fact, for me...it's great.
I think you articulated it well, my friend, thanks.
~Corey
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#192065 - 09/01/10 12:33 PM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: ævory]
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Winterwhite
Member
Registered: 06/01/09
Posts: 34
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Hello aevory,
This was a well written response. The info was great. I am an older polio quad but always find it interesting how people handle their sexuality and their situation.
I write poetry; I like to say the focus is on spirituality, women's sexuality and nature. I take those interests and mold my words around the essence of my feelings and desires. Everyone handles it in their own way. While I have liited movement, I do have full sensation. I am thankful for that gift.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading your response. Winterwhite
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#192086 - 09/01/10 06:18 PM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: Winterwhite]
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4wheeler
Member
Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 414
Loc: Riverside Co.,CA
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That is sure alot of reading to have fun in the sack.
Have not read it yet but it does look like a good read.
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#193471 - 10/01/10 06:24 PM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: ævory]
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pjtoala
Junior Member
Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 1
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It was a good the way you xpress your self aboutn this topict
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#193487 - 10/02/10 02:33 AM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: 4wheeler]
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Foghorn_Leghorn
Member
Registered: 09/19/10
Posts: 102
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doesn't bode well for a PENIS DRIVEN LIFE
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#193521 - 10/02/10 08:11 PM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: Winterwhite]
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Lola
Member
Registered: 03/17/05
Posts: 5944
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while I have liited movement, I do have full sensation. I am thankful for that gift.
i am/feel the same way...
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#193679 - 10/05/10 09:50 PM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: Lola]
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backwards
Junior Member
Registered: 10/05/10
Posts: 4
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Would you believe---and tho I am new here I think you all will not be surprised---that there are MD's who EXPECT that their patients whose "body status" i.e. amputation etc "changes" will CAUSE their SO's to abandon them? Altho this did not come up when I was pre-amputation it has been a topic that MD's have brought up to people I know in my area. Horrifying!
But as to the issue of not feeling comfortable with your new and different body---yeah it does suck. I had gangrene and lost the toes on my right foot (wait-theres more!) and one of the nurses was furious at me for going to my "Happy Place" and not watching the dressing changes---they rip em off so the dead tissue goes with em--and of course attached to the dead stuff is the nerve filled live stuff. Anyways---it took me a few days to figure out what her "issue" was with this. She seemed to think I was "chicken". I managed to tell her that I HAD indeed seen the mess that was left of my foot--and had indeed been properly freaked out about it---I expected a neat little line of sutures---and maybe some shiny staples!-but that was far from reality. I told her that this was MY new real life and if I could be "spared" from the pain of this---the image was not going to be the reality forever after all---then I should be ENCOURAGED to go to my "Happy Place" She finally "Got It" and was nicer after that. But the disconnect between her reality and mine was---an ocean?
Fast forward a few years, I break the OTHER foot and leg quite badly and after a year spent not walking decide that the only way I am ever going to walk again---or at least be infection free again--is to have it amped. Huge difference in body image from this---worse was oddly enough the first time I saw my SHADOW with out the leg. Total panic. And I knew WHAT TO EXPECT---AS IN I DIDN'T GET HIT BY A BUS AND WAKE UP IN THE ICU! And I am happy to say that my husband is not freaked out over his bionic wife. But I was for a long time kinda hesitent to touch the amp area. Why? Don't really know. It is something alien in a way. You are used to a certain pattern to your "self" and when that changes it can be a real shocker. And I am sure this is much more of a shock to the person who has to watch this take place. I noticed that certain "friends" could not handle this. A very odd thing and something I would like to know more about.
As to getting "viable sperm"---there are "extraction" techniques if you want to father a child where they go into the reproductive ducts and hoover out the stuff---very scientific of me eh?---but I am sure any fertility MD or urologist with spinal cord experience could give you an evaluation and more info. Good luck!
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#195234 - 11/09/10 06:07 PM
Re: User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis
[Re: ævory]
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Lorena & Mike
Junior Member
Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 3
Loc: St. Louis MO
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Have you tried a vibrator called FertyiCare? My husbabd uses it weekly. He can ejaculate limp or when hard using Cialis. Ussually, well 50/50 the ejaculate goes into his bladder. But he sleeps great afterwards.
Lorena
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ur friends
Lorena & Mike
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