#185343 - 04/06/10 11:36 AM
i had been feeling empty lately...
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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...it was like i was only partially invested or connected to what was going on around me.
this morning, i recognized this as an opportunity for rebirth. perhaps living with two huge holes has changed who i am in fundemental ways. perhaps i had been defining myself in terms of what i had been instead of who i am, now.
i had allowed community and church associations to pull me toward motivation.
this past easter, two days ago, i wrote no special instrumental arrangements, i recruited and practiced no vocal group, i prepared nothing. i let it be what it was without my artistic influence.
i thought i was depressed...but decided that i felt empty because i am empty...
time for openness to new yearnings and comfort within that walk.
maybe i'm just going crazy(er)
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#185345 - 04/06/10 12:43 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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sweetqt
Member
Registered: 06/13/07
Posts: 709
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Wow, that is intense, but also something I can connect to.
I dont think you are crazy, there are moments that I have actually looked (out of the box). I think this a normal experience that is expected.
Lately, I have been really placing myself in situations that I feel,......... in the past were just flowing moments.
I think for me, it is the fear of what the surgeon will find.
(pressing the LIKE button) on this one :)~
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#185347 - 04/06/10 01:57 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: sweetqt]
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YosemiteSam
Member
Registered: 05/20/00
Posts: 5386
Loc: No. Calif. (SF Bay Area)
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I think for me, it is the fear of what the surgeon will find.
(pressing the LIKE button) on this one :)~
On 4/1 you said: "gone for a Upper GI Endoscopy? My general surgeon just called and wants to do one... and i am scared.
Did it hurt?
any info would be great, I am very nervous, as I have 3 kids."
Did your Upper GI Endoscopy come back with bad results or are you still waiting to have it done?
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 Bob
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#185352 - 04/06/10 02:19 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: YosemiteSam]
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Johnboy 64
Member
Registered: 11/16/01
Posts: 15944
Loc: a nice place
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terry, by your post it doesnt sound like you were really happy doing the 'church stuff'. just something to occupy yourself? i get lost reading your posts sometimes.
Edited by Johnboy 64 (04/06/10 02:20 PM)
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#185356 - 04/06/10 03:24 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: Johnboy 64]
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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well...for what it's worth...i don't try to confuse.
then again, i'd not try to hide confusion if i was feeling it.
essentially, i was saying that my motivations are swinging from external to internal. i've been making music and art for others. i need to turn that process more inward right now. it'll be lonelier in my shrine of creative process. pray for me.
i'm also at that stage of parenting in which nobody really needs a lot right now. certainly, that has something to do with it.
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#185357 - 04/06/10 05:14 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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Peaches
Member
Registered: 06/14/03
Posts: 2617
Loc: In a peaceful, easy feeling...
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Oh! This is exciting... a new journey is about to begin... newself assessments... you've already gone through the hard part... a spiritual journey? a marriage rekindlement? Who knows :-)
after an emotionally long and exhausting ordeal with my fathers cancer/Alzheimer's... I was the only one in the room when he died
... and this was way before his body stopped functioning.
Suffice it to say, I was tangled up inside. Long story short: this led me in what became a most intense spiritual journey!
It felt so right and was a huge awakening... to this day I have the tools to deal with life.
Terry, fear not my friend... if this changes how your creativity is manifest... embrace.
I know one thing: I need you; you add so much to these message boards... at least for me. Although you've kept our connection to posts on message boards, I appreciate your every word!
Peace, peaches
(but then again, maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about )
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"Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet." Bob Dylan
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#185367 - 04/06/10 06:42 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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flicka
Member
Registered: 04/06/00
Posts: 24616
Loc: SLO County, CA - 66.122.77.142
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i'm also at that stage of parenting in which nobody really needs a lot right now. certainly, that has something to do with it.
I've been thinking about your post all day. I did imagine that your life is a bit less 'complicated' by children right now. (you know one of my favorite memories of you is the orange hair picture.)
I am familar with your feeling of emptiness. Don't force your rebirth; allow the pangs of labor to come naturally and don't forget to breathe. It's all about rhythm.
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"A lot of things were acceptable--until we stopped accepting it." -- Al Sharpton '12
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#185383 - 04/06/10 07:21 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: YosemiteSam]
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sweetqt
Member
Registered: 06/13/07
Posts: 709
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Good evening Bob
I am meeting with the surgeon on Thur and he will go over what he will do as well as set the appt for the test.
Thank you for your concern, I think my biggest fear is that I smoke. And I realize I am not invisible when it comes to anything.
Life is too short, and I need to try and get the best out of it, for my children if anything.
I do hope you are well  again... thank you
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#185387 - 04/06/10 07:38 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: sweetqt]
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Lola
Member
Registered: 03/17/05
Posts: 5944
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everything will go just fine, michelle 
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#185391 - 04/06/10 07:43 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: Lola]
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sweetqt
Member
Registered: 06/13/07
Posts: 709
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Thank you And even if it don't atleast I have good friends that will listen to me whine ... lol
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#185403 - 04/06/10 08:31 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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Lola
Member
Registered: 03/17/05
Posts: 5944
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everything will go just fine, michelle SECURITY!
anything wrong with that, terry?
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#185404 - 04/06/10 08:44 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: flicka]
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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i'm also at that stage of parenting in which nobody really needs a lot right now. certainly, that has something to do with it.
I've been thinking about your post all day. I did imagine that your life is a bit less 'complicated' by children right now. (you know one of my favorite memories of you is the orange hair picture.) I am familar with your feeling of emptiness. Don't force your rebirth; allow the pangs of labor to come naturally and don't forget to breathe. It's all about rhythm.
flicka, it's like you know me.
while exercising this evening, vicki said, "hey! my coworkers asked me if you would put together a collection of tv themes to perform at the facility during nursing home week..."
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#185405 - 04/06/10 08:45 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: Lola]
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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everything will go just fine, michelle SECURITY! anything wrong with that, terry?
can you shed some light on why it belongs in this thread?
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#185406 - 04/06/10 08:47 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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oh is sweetqt another michelle?
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#185407 - 04/06/10 08:49 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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Lola
Member
Registered: 03/17/05
Posts: 5944
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oh is sweetqt another michelle?
mac = michele
sweetqt = michelle
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#185408 - 04/06/10 08:51 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: Lola]
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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well...then i won't procsecute, this time.
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#185409 - 04/06/10 08:52 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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Lola
Member
Registered: 03/17/05
Posts: 5944
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thank you, boss
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#185419 - 04/07/10 11:15 AM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: Lola]
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Johnboy 64
Member
Registered: 11/16/01
Posts: 15944
Loc: a nice place
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HOPE YOU SORT THINGS OUT TERRY
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#185422 - 04/07/10 11:23 AM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: Lola]
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MerryA
Member
Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 10887
Loc: Tennessee
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Terry - How old are you? 49 is a huge age for spiritual re-allignments. Your life has changed (thank God or you would be stagnant). Prayers lifted for you - internal assessments are generally the most difficult but you have within you all that is necessary to transition. I was going through a similar "emptiness" the past few years but I have made adjustments and now have extended periods of fulfillment - it will happen for you too.
_________________________
"I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous."
- Greg House
76.22.172.94
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#185423 - 04/07/10 12:40 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: MerryA]
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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yes, i'm 49.
what's strange for me is that i'm generally my best advocate in getting what i need. if i feel like i need some new people in my social circle, i go get 'em. if i need a new vehicle for creative expression, i create it.
lately, i haven't been able to put my finger on it. i just feel somewhat disconnected to nearly everything.
living in a dying town, serving a dying church with a dying body...it's all a bit much.
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#185424 - 04/07/10 12:53 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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Paulwa_dup1
Member
Registered: 02/12/05
Posts: 4951
Loc: Washington
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Kind of reminds me of an episode on Doc Martin tv show.A young lady inquires of Dr.Martin about her girlfriend, 'is she going to die?' As Doc strode off he gave an emphatic,'Yes!.......
..but not today!'
Hang in there Kan5a5.
Paul
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#185425 - 04/07/10 01:36 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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flicka
Member
Registered: 04/06/00
Posts: 24616
Loc: SLO County, CA - 66.122.77.142
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living in a dying town, serving a dying church with a dying body...it's all a bit much.
uuuuuugggggggggh! Alright, you almost bummed me out with that one. You need spring, sunshine & new growth. Don't lose it on me, Terry. You've always been so positive & upbeat. Maybe it's time to read some Deepak Chopra.
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"A lot of things were acceptable--until we stopped accepting it." -- Al Sharpton '12
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#185428 - 04/07/10 02:26 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: flicka]
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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oh, don't take the dying references too much to heart.
whether or not my mind is sensing a new body trend or not, i, like you, like everyone, am in the process of dying.
small towns are dying all across the country. thanks in part to the great satan, walmart.
every denomination of christianity is losing members; some social commentators call it the dechristianization of america.
even in rural areas, those connected to a gaming system outnumber those connected to the land by huge proportions.
i'm wrestling with emerging in the midst of all this, regardless of the health of my body, church, or town. it's the only choice.
if i didn't feel so insulated from so much, i might be tempted to play a game called - 'count how many untimely unfortunate choices you can make in one lifetime' dying has become a broader cultural metaphor for so much of my personal american history. maybe the game should be called last man standing?
...so, while i may be facing a darker creative season, i characterize it more as boldly processing reality than reacting to depressive contraints.
as usual - i have never imagined that i ended up here by accident. where my life-bus stops, is where i have driven it.
Edited by kan5a5 (04/07/10 02:30 PM)
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#185429 - 04/07/10 02:33 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: Peaches]
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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I know one thing: I need you; you add so much to these message boards... at least for me. Although you've kept our connection to posts on message boards, I appreciate your every word! Peace, peaches (but then again, maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about )
i appreciate your contribution to my life as well. if you want to step up our rapport, stop by. you are welcome.
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#185435 - 04/07/10 05:45 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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flicka
Member
Registered: 04/06/00
Posts: 24616
Loc: SLO County, CA - 66.122.77.142
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Ringling, ringling, slippin away
Only forty people livin there today
Streets are dusty and the bank has been torn down
It's a dying little town
(Jimmy Buffett)
_________________________
"A lot of things were acceptable--until we stopped accepting it." -- Al Sharpton '12
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#185437 - 04/07/10 06:36 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: flicka]
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IndiAnna
Member
Registered: 06/04/01
Posts: 2541
Loc: IN
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I hope your start feeling full again soon Kan.
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71.115.0.185
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#185442 - 04/08/10 01:18 AM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: IndiAnna]
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ghoti
Member
Registered: 04/06/02
Posts: 8469
Loc: Ishpeming, MI 75.128.229.255
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Perception shifts - events where my entire view of life and my role in it made a sudden change. Each time they redefined me into a different person than I thought I was and caused me to move in an entirely new direction:
- The births of each of my children.
- Completely changing my career.
- Divorce.
- Losing myself to alcohol and then rediscovering myself after defeating it.
- My daughter coming to live with me at age 13 after we had been apart for nearly 10 years.
- My son going off to college 500 miles away after we had been together all his life.
- SCI.
- Spiritual reawakening.
- The deaths of my parents.
All of these and more have changed and molded me, and I'm sure that there is more to come. Only those who are already dead inside allow themselves to be so set in stone that they are closed to paradigm shifts. We are caterpillars who repeatedly form a cocoon around ourselves, and it must be broken at times to allow the butterfly within us to emerge.
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Feisty survivors populate this site. Avoid controversies unless you have a very thick skin.
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#185443 - 04/08/10 06:16 AM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: ghoti]
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msfez
Junior Member
Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 12
Loc: up shit creek
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Dear Terry,
Don't be bad mouthin' Walmart. Any time you can buy a riding mower, gas, socks, and cream cheese in the same place sort of makes me all warm and fuzzy.
Regards,
msfez
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#185450 - 04/08/10 01:51 PM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: msfez]
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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Dear Terry,
Don't be bad mouthin' Walmart. Any time you can buy a riding mower, gas, socks, and cream cheese in the same place sort of makes me all warm and fuzzy.
Regards,
msfez
to your warmth and fuzziness! somehow, i'd predict more fuzz than warmth, but that would only be a guess.
<HUGZ>
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#185488 - 04/09/10 07:49 AM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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msfez
Junior Member
Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 12
Loc: up shit creek
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I bear no fuzziness. I was just concerned about you during your current malaise.
Hell, I had to re-enroll over here for shit sake....
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#185494 - 04/09/10 08:17 AM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: msfez]
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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how thoroughly adorable of you to risk wandering the perilous byways of site registration for my benefit.
what i've learnt:
1. i've been doing much of the same crap the same way for too long
2. laying around is never gonna heal my ass
3. be it due to freqent infection, two pressure sores, or laying around - i feel different
4. i no longer am drawn to regain or reclaim past versions of myself
5. sometimes a lusty impulse can turn into a months long project
6. as i age, erode, and circle closer to 'death,' i find religion less and less relevant.
7. i was more actively, spontaneously, and regularly spiritual before the church years.
8. my truest nature and main priorities are found via creative expression.
msfez, do you have your lady gaga tickets yet?
surely you're going to the monster ball.
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#185499 - 04/09/10 09:49 AM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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msfez
Junior Member
Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 12
Loc: up shit creek
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Yes Lord! After I throwed two fits and a bad spell over them taking liberties with my IP I was a tad leery.
1. It may be time for a change.
2. You may be right.
3. I experienced after undergoing a long period of illness and being inactive I WAS different.
4. I believe creative people must constantly evolve.
5. Sadly I too have experienced this as I age.
6&7. Could it be that your spirituality has become too connected to the church/ or your role in the church?
8. You must allow yourself to evolve. It's natural to resist losing the familiar for the unknown but you must in order to set yourself free. Trust me, you'll be so much happier and at peace.
I'd love to go but Mr msfez has morphed into a total stick-in-the-mud in His old age. 
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#185541 - 04/11/10 09:45 AM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: kan5a5]
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soda
Member
Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 4726
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living in a dying town, serving a dying church with a dying body...it's all a bit much.
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 67.87.81.12
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#185543 - 04/11/10 11:06 AM
Re: i had been feeling empty lately...
[Re: soda]
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kan5a5
Member
Registered: 07/27/01
Posts: 13311
Loc: kan5a5
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"Observations not only disturb what is to be measured they produce it." Pascual Jordan
"I like to think the moon is there even if I'm not looking at it." Albert Einstein
you're right, poppy, i've no plan to sh1t-can anything...but i will alter it...to a degree.
Edited by kan5a5 (04/11/10 11:06 AM)
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