Fragrant Foul

The basketball arena my college played in was about a mile from my dorm. When you love basketball like I did, pushing my chair to games didn’t seem too bad. I hap­pened to know a girl who liked basketball too. So, I took a shot and asked her to walk with me to the game. In the second half of our date, I began to notice a linger­ing, offensive smell. When we got to the dorm’s lane, the odor was pressing. My game plan was to make a play for a kiss when we got to her door. I posted up and took my shot. My play for a kiss was blocked. She passed and I couldn’t rebound. The smell blanketed me as I headed home. Once in my dorm, I dis­covered that I had rolled through dog poo and managed to get it all over my body and chair. Game over, no rematch.
— Doos and Don’ts

Noctural Admissions

I have a tendency to carry on conversations in my sleep. Recently, I have taken to engaging Siri and voice texting people mid-dream. Not only is this embarrassing, but sleeping-me tends to only talk about three subjects: sex, food, and for some reason, a variety of games I’m trying to get the person to play with me. Friends and caregivers delight in sharing recordings and screenshots of the awkward and nonsensical things I’ve said to them late at night. After the fact, it’s hilarious, but I’m so concerned about who I may chat up or what I might say that I now sleep with an alternative phone with emergency contacts only. Some guy I went on a couple of dates with last year does not need a 3 a.m. text that says, “I need to heat up my pizza,” and my old boss is never going to understand why am asking her to “protect the goal!” in the middle of the night.
— Midnight Chatter

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