Let us begin this session with a quiz:

Q: What’s the difference between a telethon and a teleton? A: A teleton does not have the letter “h” in it. Other than that there’s no difference.

Oh wait, there is one more difference. A telethon is a marathon, schlocky television variety show designed to raise gobs of money by casting cripples in the most pathetic and pitiful light possible and promising to bring hope to their empty lives through the intervention of medical professionals. A teleton, on the other hand, is a marathon, schlocky television variety show designed to raise gobs of money by casting cripples in the most pathetic and pitiful light possible and promising to bring hope to their empty lives through the intervention of medical professionals, in Spanish.

There was a time not long ago when the TV airwaves in the USA were saturated every Labor Day weekend with a 21-hour variety show known as the Jerry Lewis Telethon. The stated purpose was to raise money for people with muscular dystrophy, aka “Jerry’s Kids.”

This went on for decades. This show made millions of cripples cringe in abject embarrassment because it was, essentially, the cripple equivalent of a minstrel show. Some of these embarrassed cripples rose up and protested and they got a lot of attention because, well, when Jerry’s Kids turn on him, the irony is too delicious to ignore.

I’m stating these once-obvious facts because, mercifully, they aren’t so obvious anymore. Every year it seems there are more and more young people who have never heard of either Jerry or his telethon. You used to have to live in a cave to achieve such a divine state of blissful obliviousness. These kids today sure do have it soft.

This brings us to another difference between a telethon and a teleton. The telethon is no more. In May, the Muscular Dystrophy Association announced it would finally be discontinued. Recent telethons were sans Jerry and were only two hours long. That was a positive development in the sense that cripples were being demeaned from coast to coast for 19 fewer hours every Labor Day weekend. But now the whole hideous exercise has been swept into the dustbin of history,
Unfortunately, Jerry’s telethon was like a tornado. Part of what made it so dangerous and destructive was that it spawned others like it. Easter Seals and United Cerebral Palsy had telethons at one point. But they both let theirs go long ago.

But still swirling and churning out there is the annual TeletonUSA. This 28-hour Spanish-language production has many of the same key elements as Jerry’s telethon — the flashing tote board, the pseudo-Vegas glitz. And of course it features the most essential element of all — the sad sad sad sad sad sad cripples.

If you Google up video clips of TeletonUSA, you’ll see. The musical scores for the sad cripple profiles begin like a dirge, as we hear about this cripple’s solitary struggle and incredible bravery. But then the tone brightens and the tempo rises as it is revealed that there is a rehab facility to which this cripple can be shipped where he/she can receive therapies and treatments which will result in — well, that part’s not so clear. But that’s not the point! The point is that there is a rehab facility where cripples can receive treatments and therapies. Isn’t that enough? And the music swells to a joyous crescendo of hope as the cripple smiles a labored but sincere smile.

In the studio are the little poster criplets dressed in their Easter finery. And sometimes they rise and “walk” across the stage to thunderous standing ovations.
This Labor Day weekend, for the first time in my adult life I can venture out without fear of being buried in the rubble left behind by the tornado of cripple clichés that was Jerry’s telethon. But I’m not sure how I’ll react. I may be like the traumatized people who remain in the bomb shelter after the all-clear sounds, waiting to be sure the barrage is finally over. It may be a few years before I can relax and feel totally safe, knowing that the Son of Telethon is still on the loose and living in exile.