Somewhere out there, there must be a group called the Future Quads of America.
The FQA must be a brotherhood of aspiring quads who find paralysis to be romantic and so they do stupid reckless things in the hope of hastening the day when they permanently injure their spinal cords. They don’t have a death wish. They have a quad wish.
I see them out on the streets all the time. There were several of them in action the night of the recent Stanley Cup celebration in Chicago. There was a young woman whooping and hoisting a beer high while sitting on the roof of a moving car. Another reveler popped squealing wheelies on his motorcycle.
I see the FQA in action almost every night on the television news. They’re doing stupid reckless things that are bound to render them quads, such as trying to set a new world record for the tallest human pyramid or holding pro-democracy rallies in Tehran. The FQA are constantly in action on the sports channels. I see rodeo cowboys riding enraged bulls. I see NASCAR. The Winter Olympics was full of FQA members. They were flat on their bellies, hurdling on speeding sleds. They did somersaults in the air, snowboards strapped to their feet. They were skiing (except for cross-country).
The FQA must have a website where you can click for FQA FAQs:
Q: What is the FQA?
A: The FQA is a brotherhood of aspiring quads who find paralysis to be romantic and so we do stupid reckless things in the hope of hastening the day when we permanently injure our spinal cords.
Q: Who founded the FQA?
A: Our founding fathers were a bunch of guys who had a passion for doing stupid reckless things.
Q: Where are they now?
A: They’re all quads.
Q: If I join the FQA, will I become a quad?
A: We can’t make any promises. Some people never become quads, no matter how much stupid reckless stuff they do. But the more active you are in the activities of the FQA, the greater your odds of becoming a quad.
Q: How can I join FQA?
A: Do something stupid and reckless and repeat as much as needed until you become a quad.
Q: How can I form my own chapter?
A: Find stupid reckless people in your community and do stupid reckless things together. This may seem like a daunting task, but FQA organizing efforts have shown time and time again that there are plenty of people in every community who do stupid reckless things. You just have to know where to look for them.
Q: Where are some good places to look for them?
A: Motorcycle rallies are an excellent place to find people likely to do stupid reckless things. So are college dorms and frat houses. Another place teeming with people likely to become quads is a gun show, or any other venue where gun nuts gather to worship firearms. If there is a Winter Olympics training facility in your community, you can recruit there. And if all else fails, just go to your local saloon. Every community has a saloon and in any saloon at any given time, you’ll find someone willing, ready and able to do some incredibly stupid reckless things.
Q: How long can I be a member of the FQA?
A: Until you become a quad.
Q: What is it like being a quad?
A: It sucks.
Q: Oh, come on. Aren’t there some good things about being a quad?
A: Oh, all right. You can buy cheap shoes and they last forever. You don’t have to stand for the national anthem. And your friends never ask you to help them move. (But they do always ask if they can use your van when they move.)
The FQA must hold an annual conference where daredevils converge from around the world — surfers, bungee jumpers, hang gliders, cab drivers.
New recruits get to mingle with those who have achieved the hallowed status of “member emeritus,” aka quad. The hotel/conference center pool is shallow at both ends. The 24-hour open bar is fully stocked. There are a wide variety of popular do-it-yourself, quadriplegia-inducing workshops, such as coked-up tree climbing, naked pole vaulting and cursing out a police officer (minorities only).
And then the really crazy stuff begins.