Ethan and Julie Ruby were “just” friends for years when, after dinner with their group of friends, they each felt a spark of chemistry. They began dating and enjoyed six months of incredible sex until a car hit Ethan, causing a T6 spinal cord injury. During rehab, Ethan offered Julie the inevitable out, “You don’t have to stick around; now’s the time to walk away.” But she stayed, they married in 2006 and are expecting their first child, thanks to artificial insemination.

For the Rubys, life is good: They have an apartment in Manhattan and a home in Cold Spring, N.Y. Julie has her own psychoanalytic practice and Ethan is a successful day trader. Ethan, a partner in the non-profit WearableCollections.org, is “paying it forward” in Mount Sinai Hospital’s Life Challenge Adventure program. He also dabbles in professional poker and founded Poker for Life, a fundraising entity for nonprofits.

There is only one area of their life together that could be better — as it is with many wheelchair users — sexual satisfaction. With Ethan’s level of injury, he is unable to attain an erection; this, along with their memories of a wonderful sexual compatibility, cause them great frustration and pain.

Crossing Delancey
Ethan and Julie met while attending Brandeis University — he for one year before transferring to University of Pennsylvania. Part of a circle of college friends, they stayed good friends, meeting occasionally for dinner parties and the usual nights out. Then one night in early 2000, dinner conversation turned to relationships — they’d both had their share of bad ones. Something clicked that night and they dated secretly for a while — at the end of which they didn’t even kiss. They didn’t want their friends to find out.  They wanted to take things slowly, and they wanted to be sure this wasn’t just a fling — until just holding each other created a spark of electricity that flowed from one to the other, creating unbearable sexual tension.

Then one night, they let go and had what they describe as the best sex of their entire lives.

“Maybe it’s something about the forbidden love that actually added to it,” Ethan says. “I will say that doing it this way, having gone on a dozen dates without becoming more romantic other than a kiss or a hug good-night, built up a sexual tension between us that was amazing. This society is all about immediate gratification, and to have something that you want so badly be delayed for so long … truly does make it that much more enjoyable when you finally give in to it.”

“We would make dinner plans and we could barely say hello without literally ripping each other’s clothes off,” Julie says. “Of course we were younger and we each had lots of passion in our lives, but I think for both of us it was sort of a strange amount. We were definitely taken aback by it. It actually made me a little nervous.”

At the time of their love affair, Ethan was 25, Julie, 26. But six months after it started, at 9:10 p.m., on Nov. 29, 2000, it came crashing to an end when Ruby was hit by two cars — one driven by a drunk driver — while walking across Delancey Street in Manhattan’s lower east side. The electricity and explosion of sexual tension and satisfaction that coursed through Ruby’s body ended at this moment, and the greatest sex they had ever had became a memory.

“It wasn’t just wonderful sex, I was the best partner that I had ever been,” Ethan says. “I have memories of us being incredibly passionate and intimate with each other. Is it better to have never had it and to always wish so? I don’t know. I would not trade those six months for anything, but it does make it very, very difficult to have it taken away.”

What Does and Doesn’t Work
Because Ethan has no spasticity and because his injury is complete, he is unable to get an erection.

“You could hook up a car battery to my leg and I’m not moving anywhere,” he says. “I’ve tried Caviject, I’ve tried Viagra, Cialis, pumps and other accessories … you name it, we’ve tried it.”

Ethan and Julie say their level of intimacy — not necessarily their sexual activity — is what bonds them. They make a point to spend time in bed holding, caressing, cuddling and stroking each other. When both are busy or after Ethan is home from traveling, they set their alarm clock a half an hour early to make that connection.

“We kiss very passionately and my friends are always impressed that we still tongue-kiss,” Julie quips.  “They’ve been in their relationships the same amount of time, but for them, some of the passion is gone. Maybe if Ethan and I could do other things, we would have a similar situation, but we haven’t had the opportunity to exhaust the passion.”

The Rubys realize that a good relationship is conscious work. Ethan says it helps to recognize what brings them closer together and engage in that. He says spending time each day with each other solidifies their intimacy, but there’s always the tug of not feeling completely sexually satisfied.

“We’re constantly talking about it, and we both feel extremely sexually and emotionally frustrated because we get to a point and then he can’t go further sexually,” Julie says. “I don’t think either of us has really found something that could come close to satiating that. For me, because he can’t get an erection, I don’t have any proof that he’s engaged with me, and I’m not satisfied because I can’t satisfy him. We live with a basic level of pretty deep sadness and frustration around this area.”

Will the sense of loss cause problems in the Ruby’s marriage? They don’t believe so — because they are very communicative; neither of them feels uncomfortable suggesting techniques or products.

“But the truth of the matter is how substantial and more fulfilling our ‘internal’ life is for us, because the best part of our relationship is our communication,” Ethan says. “I would say to some extent that the act of intercourse is kind of superficial enjoyment. As much as we’d like to spend our day in bed, it’s the rest of our lives where most of life transpires.”

Psychological Toll
Several months after his accident, Ethan moved back to Manhattan, then Julie moved in with him. Their relationship solidified while he learned to trust her — it also challenged his belief of what a fair relationship means.

“It was around that time when the physical stuff caused deep emotional problems. Like waking up in the middle of the night having soiled the bed, falling out of the chair in the middle of the street or soiling myself two or three times a day,” he remembers. “I needed help to do things, to live on a daily basis — especially initially — and it was hard for me to separate having to need somebody yet having to love them and be seen as an equal worthy of their love.”

Though Ethan handles all his own care, like anyone he has good days and bad days; when he’s down, he spends time alone in bed. He still gets frustrated over his own limitations.

“There have been times when he’s been in a very, very deep depression — very dark places, and I certainly did not treat him how I would treat a patient of mine who was depressed,” Julie explains. “I just know the cues of when I need to step back and just let him do his own thing.”

Julie’s training helps her to realize how his depression is affecting her and what she needs to do to take care of herself, such as realizing any anger or frustration is not about you and it’s not about them — it’s the injured person’s process. She understands that in their anger or frustration, even if it’s directed at you, it is misdirected anger.

“Happiness is an abstract concept that you can’t really define, and we’re all trying to achieve this abstract, unknown concept,” Ethan adds. “But you know what excites you, you know what makes your motor rev, and if you can just identify certain things in your life that make that motor rev, then do those things more often, you’re going to live a happy life.”

A Blind Date That Worked … for a While
Bob Vogel, a T10 complete para from Loomis, Calif., was five months into his marriage with Joanna, whom he met through a friend of his, when he contributed to our “Dating & Romance” feature in February 1998:

[Joanna was] tall, blonde, beautiful and, yes, single.

Tough times call for brash action, so I called Joanna and invited her on a blind date. I figured it would be a disaster, just like the other blind dates I had been on, but hey, they do make good stories. … But there is such a thing as luck in love. The date was magnificent and by its end, we were head over heels. …

We were married … Oct. 4, 1997, on a granite outcropping next to a waterfall above Emerald Bay.

After the birth of their adopted daughter — Sarah Ann, now 8 — the Vogels separated in December 2004 and divorced July 2006. What started out as an amicable separation became an ugly fight.

“Unfortunately, when there is a child involved, custody issues get raised and things can get ugly fast,”  Vogel says. “It’s too bad because it cost us each a ton of money in lawyers and heartache. But now we focus on being good parents, sharing custody. In marriage, if you’re going through a bad period with your significant other, all of a sudden non-issues become issues. Like, ‘Would you stop breathing so loud? … It’s making me crazy!'”

While he’s just getting his toes wet dating again, now the 48-year-old divorcee is reconciling with that 36-year-old single guy who didn’t have to worry as much about STDs, and didn’t have a daughter to care for.  He has spent the last couple of years becoming comfortable with his life so he doesn’t get into a “needy” relationship.

One realization Vogel came to was that as a man with a disability, there was no “make-up sex” during his marriage like there was for him during pre-injury dating.

“Having that ability to just immediately become fully aroused and have a quick, fun romp in the hay can sometimes help stuff blow over a little bit,” he says. “A friend of mine said the one thing that kept him going for the last couple of years of his marriage was make-up sex. From his male perspective, it’s getting out your aggressions and being brain-washed for a little while to forget all your problems.

“Now, sex for me is the whole mind and body thing,” he says. “I have to feel completely, emotionally safe to really let myself relax enough to fully enjoy the sexual experience.”

She Was Framed
For Claire Theriot Mestepey, a 38-year-old from Missouri City, Texas, romance and a sense of humor are key ingredients in her 12-year marriage to her sweetheart, Bobby, which she talked about in the pages of NM in 1998:

It’s funny how we often forget the 6 million romantic things our significant others do. Instead, we tell stories of their romantic shortcomings. If I were a better person, I’d try to stop the madness. I’m not.

Since I was 5, I’d dreamed of a marriage proposal from Prince Charming. How he would carry me away on a horse to his castle and we would live happily ever after. Who knew my prince’s form of transportation would turn out to be an old hatchback? How could he have envisioned that his princess would turn out to be a stubborn crip with an attitude?

I knew [after accepting Bobby’s proposal for marriage] I had made the right decision … when he delivered roses and a piece of cheesecake to my office for Valentine’s Day. I knew it when he kidnapped me from work on our anniversary and took me to a bed and breakfast for the weekend. And I know it every night when I fall asleep in his arms.

The Mestepeys met when Bobby, a computer support technician, came to Claire’s job as a cable television producer to help her work with the new mouse-based editing equipment.

“Me and the mouse didn’t get along,” says Claire, who has CP.

“I made her write with a pencil and try to use the mouse and did all these terrible things to her,” says Bobby.

“And I fell in love, it was love at second sight!” jokes Claire.

The second time Bobby stopped by Claire’s office, she’d left him a note asking for a date. Though she claimed it was meant for another Bobby, by the end of that date, Bobby was “smitten.”

When talking to the Mestepeys, who now have a 10-year-old boy, Nicholas, the one thing that shines brightly is their sense of humor — always a good base for a successful marriage. They are also tuned to each other’s needs for romance and personal time.

“One of the things my wife does to make sure that we pay attention to each other is that she won’t let me do PlayStation or any of that stuff until after we’ve spent some time together every evening,” Bobby says.

“And we still try to go out of town on little trips, nothing big,” Claire says. “Or we have a lot of friends come over.”

When asked about the daily challenges her disability may create, Claire, who has a housekeeper come twice a month, says: “I think it may be harder on both of us. I wish I was the perfect wife with dinner on the table, but I at least know all the phone numbers for delivery. I try really, really hard not to let my anger about my disability get between us. I’m not always successful, but I think I’m getting better at it.”

Asked if she feels frustrated at Bobby or Nicholas if something she can’t do isn’t done correctly, Claire says, “I’m just happy they do it at all!”

Should the Twain Ever Meet?
Lessons learned from Kevin Robinson’s first marriage have helped him and his high-school sweetheart — now lifetime partner — Ellie, draw lines that nondisabled partners needn’t think about until their later years: like whether or not your partner should take on full- or part-time caregiving, as described in NM in 1998:

Each time I suggested bringing in outside help, [my fist wife’s] reaction was a simple and direct, “No.” Her reasons were equally simple: “No one will do as good a job as I do, I don’t want strangers in my house, and we need the money.” … I should have forced the issue … It wouldn’t have saved the marriage, but I would have felt a lot better about myself when all was said and done. …

I’ve been in love only twice. The first time was my high school sweetheart [Ellie]. The second time was my first wife. And I’ve spent the last 15 years trying to locate my high school sweetheart.

When I finally dialed Ellie’s number and heard her voice again after 28 years, my heart nearly stopped. … We were both divorced, had children the same age, and had made a lot of the same mistakes along the way. We fell back into step.

There was only one significant difference between then and now, and it was a big one. The high school athlete was gone, replaced by a 46-year-old quadriplegic man in a wheelchair. But … Ellie showed no signs of being put off by my disability. It was a wonderful second time around for both of us, and neither of us wanted to screw it up.

The truest love doesn’t eliminate the need for baggage handling. … Part of my baggage, I told her, was always going to be my personal care assistants. Where I go, they go. … She gets along great with all my caregivers, and the time we share is ours to enjoy as we see fit.

Today Kevin and his soulmate, Ellie — who live in a 300-square-foot condo in the Florida Keys — are convinced their relationship is healthier because taking care of his needs is not on her to-do list. Plus Kevin, 57 and a C6-7 quad, takes all responsibility for his assistants.

“I’m sure there are partners whose hearts are big enough and who get enough out of the act of caregiving,” he says. “We all get a blessing when we do something for somebody else, there’s no hiding that fact. I’m sure some partners can handle the job for most of a lifetime — even without the negative stuff. But do they ever grow into the person that they could grow into if the other person in their eyes doesn’t maintain the status of an equal in a relationship? That’s the part that suffers.”

Kevin also believes sexual intimacy can suffer, though he says it is not what broke up his marriage.

“For a sexual relationship to grow and for partners to maintain that kind of intimacy, there has to be respect, there has to be friendship,” he says. “And when one person is carrying all the load for the other, it just makes it so much harder.”

Sex Toys Aren’t Just for Rabbits
With his tongue planted firmly in his cheek, d k davis [sic], a C5 quad from Winnipeg, tells about a favorite “pastime” for him and his wife: bra shopping. On one occasion [published in 2003 in NM], bra shopping became “The Everything to Do With Sex Show/37 companies … Displaying Their Products.”

Wandering from booth to booth, I quickly discovered that there are more dildos and vibrators on the market than you can shake your … well, let’s just say there are a lot.

I was sitting and holding a rather large vibrator, called the “Snow Leopard,” when I accidentally hit what must have been the “vigorous purr” button. The big kitty hummed into action, leaped from my curled hands and landed on my lap. Pam tells me that when she finally noticed me, my eyes were rolled back in my head and I was drooling. …

I did see two other people in wheelchairs fighting the crowd. Seeing these two individuals confirmed what I had finally realized: anyone, disabled or not, could use these products. The main limitations were lack of imagination or personal inhibition….

Making our way through the parking lot, I commented to Pam: “Hey, you never bought a bra.”

“Oh didn’t I?” she said. “And take that Snow Leopard out of your pants.”

One year after this article appeared, Davis and his wife, Pam, (42 and 40, respectively) adopted their daughter Alex, now 6. Then came Makeda, now 3, who, when we called d k, was heard squealing as she twirled Daddy in his lift sling. But have children slowed down the couple’s libido?

“No, but I’ve been really sick the past year and a half fighting bladder infections, and that has,” says the C4-5 quad. “I was on home IV for nearly a year — that sucked the life out of me.”

Davis uses drugs to attain “injection erections,” explaining: “For me, Viagra caused a drop in blood pressure, a problem as it is for many with injuries. Now I use a combination of injectible drugs to trap blood flow — papaverine, phentolamine, and another.”

But Davis says a change in mindset is all you need for a healthy sex life. He says performing oral sex on his wife is one of his favorite things to do. To enhance their pleasure and allow him more control, he holds a dildo between his teeth.

“She admitted to some of her girlfriends that it allows her multiple orgasms, and they were like, ‘We’re not worthy!'” he laughs. “You change your focus and you just have to get over the awkwardness [using toys], especially for someone you really love.”

He says he doesn’t have a typical orgasm; he has what he calls a “body stone” — where his body goes rigid for about five to seven seconds.

“The first time it happened, I was like, Oh my god! Am I having a heart attack?!?” he says. “Then you change from fear to ‘enjoy the ride.'”

Davis chose to have an ileosotomy in 2008 and has been infection-free for three months; he hopes to be back in the saddle very soon. Asked if he had a saddle in the bedroom, he laughs and says, “When my mother in-law asked, ‘What should we get Pam for Christmas?’ I said ‘Get her a riding crop.’ All she could respond was, ‘Oh my goodness!'”